This is only passably amusing--moreso if you've never heard of Steve Allen or caught David Letterman's "Stagehand Theatre". Rolling Stone, Jann Wenner's famed music journal that these days spends most of its creaking editorial half-life reminding us of how important it once was (and indeed, once, it was), has posted a video of staffer Brian Studley reading what-they-regard as the worst lyrics of all time: Shania Twain's "Honey, I'm Home", Led Zeppelin's "The Immigrant Song", Sisqo's "The Thong Song", and Soundgarden's "Spoonman", to name but a few. A recent BBC poll, which awarded the dubious honour to U2, Human League, Duran Duran, and Black Sabbath (among others), inspired RS's response.Most rap, heavy metal, and country entries follow tried n' true formulas and are thus easy targets--truly inane songwriting--the kind that leaves you shaking your head back and forth like Wile E. Coyote when he falls off a cliff--has to be operatic, overreaching, alternately maddeningly pretentious and hopelessly desperate to truly qualify for bad. Boy, do these BBC and Rolling Stone folks have short memories-- how could they have possibly passed up "Brandy" by Looking Glass? "I Write The Songs" by Barry Manilow? "Don't Cry Out Loud" by Melissa Manchester? "Horse With No Name" by America? "Glory Of Love" by Peter Cetera? "I Would Do Anything For Love" by Meatloaf?
Here's my reigning champ. And it's Canadian, too, just to show what a patriot I can be. The writer is a certain Robert "Mutt" Lange (hey, Shania's husband). The band: Loverboy (aka The Scourge Of My Generation). The lyrics...as follows (and no, I don't mean this in that Chuck Klosterman half-ironic/half-sincere kinda way--this abomination truly sucks):
I'm not man or machine
I'm just something in between(Whoa-oa-whoa-oh-whoa)
I'm all love, a dynamo
So push the button and let me go (Whoa-oa-whoa-oh-whoa)
You want me to come alive
Just flick the switch into overdrive
You and me can let it be Ready-Aim-Fire Touch that dial -
Turn me on Start me like a motor, make me run
Lovin' every minute of it Lovin' every minute of it
Turn that dial all the way Shoot me like a rocket into space
Lovin' every minute of it Lovin' every minute of it Lovin' every minute of it
C'mon I got fun, you want some I'm ever ready, Dr. Love(Whoa-oa-whoa-oh-whoa)
I'm antenna, aerialI'm tunin' in I'm outta control(Whoa-oa-whoa-oh-whoa)
You got love, you got a deal
You wanna drive then take the wheel
You and me can let it be Ready-Aim-Fire Touch that dial -
Turn me on Start me like a motor, make me run
Oh good Christ, that's enough already....
