30 August 2007

What If Ratner Directed "The Road"?

What if Brett Ratner ended up directing the film version of Cormac McCarthy's "The Road"? The clever folks at McSweeney's have put together the director's notes for such a horrifying prospect, but with hilarious results:

Possibilities to play the father/son duo: Brad Pitt and Maddox Jolie-Pitt. If so, have them ride around on ATVs instead of walking. Walking is boring.

Father needs "buddy." See if Jackie Chan is available. If not, maybe Andy Dick?

In book, we don't find out how the world ended. Must show in movie version. Possible scenarios:

Alien robots
Girls in bikinis accidentally blow up nuclear power station by hitting self-destruct button with their big, round butts
Or boobs
If we go with robots as destroyers of Earth, robots should still be chasing the people. Also, maybe change name from The Road to The Robots.

If we decide to rewrite as comedy, see if Sandler is available for May production start. When the father and son discover the boat, boat should be loaded with machine guns and hand grenades.

In book, they say "carrying the fire" and it's some kind of abstract thing about carrying the spirit of humanity around in a time of hopelessness.

What if "fire" is a secret weapon that will restore atmosphere and kill the robots? Or it turns out at the end that boy can shoot fire out of eyes and mouth? He's like a messiah guy, but a fire-shooting-eyes messiah guy.

Read the whole thing here.