"When Jack Met Wendy", or, "Sleepless In Colorado"?

I've heard of "Buffy The Vampire Slayer" interpreted as a vehicle for a homophobic agenda, and the original "Planet Of The Apes" as a metaphor for the Vietnam era, but who ever thought of Stephen King's "The Shining" as fodder for a sappy, Nora Ephron-esque romantic comedy?

An unnamed post-house held a competition where assistant editors were challenged to ‘re-cut’ trailers that would change the nature/genre of famous movies. This riff on Stanley Kubrick's classic 1980 adaptation of "The Shining" was the winner (all that's missing is the Motown sing-a-long and a shot of Shelly Duvall throwing up her arms in the rain).

Share the love here (and here are the other entries: "West Side Story" and "Titanic")

Want more? Here's "The Shining" again, but with bunnies...

Because Nothing Rhymes With "Quartodecimanism"

Remember when Christian rock meant "Stryper"? No, I don't either, although I did find one of their albums in my condo complex's communal trash room last weekend (left it and took home the mint copy of Philip Michael Thomas' "Living The Book Of My Life" instead). Anyway, someone's went and recorded what probably is the most obvious song parody of all time, Deep Purple's "Smoke On The Water" as..."Walked On The Water" (we've all thought it at one time or another, right?). And while you're enjoying the righteous tuneage, check out some of my storyboard panels for the feature film "Gospel Of John".

13 More Reasons To Bit Torrent...

"Scream"--Canada's superb horror channel that you really should be subscribing to--will premiere Showtime's much-anticipated "Masters Of Horror" anthology series just in time for Halloween. Now you've got a legit reason not to answer the doorbell and turn off the porch light! Oh, sorry...too early...

The series will offer feature a baker's dozen of hour-long chillers from 13 of the genre's most acclaimed and influential directors: Dario Argento (Suspiria, Tenebrae), Larry Cohen (It's Alive, God Told Me To), Lucky McKee (May), Don Coscarelli (Phantasm, Bubba Ho-Tep), Joe Dante (The Howling, Piranha), Mick Garris (Sleepwalkers, The Stand), Stuart Gordon (Re-Animator, From Beyond), John Landis (An American Werewolf in London, Innocent Blood), Tobe Hooper (The Texas Chainsaw Massacre, The Funhouse) and of course, my favorite, John Carpenter (Halloween, The Thing, The Fog). Stories are either adapted from/or written by their original authors, including H.P. Lovecraft, Richard Matheson, Joe R. Lansdale, Stephen King, Clive Barker, David Schow, and comics greats Steve Niles, Bruce Jones, and Bernie Wrightson.

Can this get any better? Yes it can--later in the season, Takashi Miike (Audition, Ichi The Killer) will present his first U.S. production that will likely cause Michael Medved a massive coronary.

The first episode, "Incident On and Off a Mountain Road" is from Coscarelli, adapted by Lansdale from his own short story, and yes, features Angus Scrimm (no word on a Reggie Bannister cameo, though). Series debuts October 29 at 10pm ET.

Farewell To A Hollywood Legend: Robert Wise Passes Away At 91

Condolences to the family and friends of Hollywood legend Robert Wise, who passed away today of heart failure in Los Angeles at the age of 91. Wow, what a career this fellow had...

He was the film editor on Orson Welles' debut , the classic (and frequent winner in most of those "best film of all time" polls) "Citizen Kane" (1941), one of those rare films that almost single-handedly changed motion picture language and techniques.

Wise became a director with 1944’s "The Curse of the Cat People", after the original director fell too far behind schedule. Horror film icon Val Lewton hired Wise to direct another chiller, "The Body Snatcher" the following year. He directed 37 more films, among them some of the most acclaimed, influential, and beloved in the short history of the art form. Genre fans in an era pre-Lucas and Spielberg blockbusters marveled to his still-classic “The Haunting” and “The Day The Earth Stood Still”, as well as “The Andromeda Strain” and the underrated “Star Trek: The Motion Picture”. The Hollywood musical was forever defined by his “West Side Story” (co-directed with Jerome Robbins) and “The Sound Of Music”. He worked in almost every genre, including straight drama (“Somebody Up There Likes Me”), the war film ("Run Silent Run Deep"), historical spectacle (“Helen Of Troy”), and the Western ("Tribute to a Bad Man"). His last film was 2000’s “A Storm In Summer”, which he directed, incredibly, at age 85 for Showtime from an unproduced screenplay by Rod Serling.

Wise was awarded four Oscars during his career, as well as The Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences' Irving G. Thalberg Memorial Award in 1966. He also received the D.W. Griffith Award from the Directors Guild of America in 1988. He served as both President of the Director’s Guild and President of the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences and was championed by seemingly everyone who ever knew and worked with him.

I had the pleasure of meeting Wise briefly when he came to Toronto in 1995 to promote the book “Robert Wise On His Films”. In a cramped memorabilia shop, he graciously took the time to speak to every one of his fans and sign materials despite the obvious ravages of age and road fatigue.

"No, Meester Bond, I Expect You To Work For Scale"...

I'm not a huuuuge James Bond fan, really, but I've always dug the series as agreeable eye candy ever since I first caught "The Spy Who Loved Me" on a matinee back in 1977, on one of the rare weekends when Doug McClure wasn't headlining some cheap-ass Edgar Rice Burroughs adaptation. Yes, call me sacrilegious but I'll admit that for most of my teen years, Roger Moore was the definitive JB for me (could be worse--for some, Cathy Lee Crosby is the definitive Wonder Woman...). Thankfully, it only took one screening of "Thunderball" on a dusk-til-dawn all-nighter to set me straight before graduation...

With Fleming's first Bond novel, "Casino Royale", pegged by the Broccolis as the next official adaptation and much talk of auditioning a younger replacement for the (reportedly) unceremoniously drop-kicked-out-of-the-series Pierce Brosnan, word has it this week that the former Remington Steele/Thomas Crown v. 2.0 is still in the running after all.

Sony, which now owns MGM, have rejected just about every serious candidate to date, from Daniel Craig to Gerald Butler (everyone's ideal choice, Clive Owen, has made it clear he isn't interested in the franchise). The casting is left to four people: Amy Pascal of Sony, series producers Michael G. Wilson and Barbara Broccoli, and director Martin Campbell, each of whom have their favorites. With Brosnan's four entries having outgrossed all previous films in the series as well as other attempted spy franchises like the "Bourne" and "XXX" capers, Sony may reconsider their policy on his age and alleged outrageous salary demands. Brosnan claims Sony has asked him to "come back", but whether he dons the tuxedo for a fifth time will be up to the series producers, who don't seem to know what they want (which would explain why "a-Ha" was once chosen to perform a title song). Sean Connery and Roger Moore had similiar feuds with the Broccolis during their respective reigns--Dalton and Lazenby probably would've returned for meal vouchers if asked.

"Casino Royale", as everyone probably knows, has already been adapted twice before: once, in 1954 as part of the "Climax!" live TV series, starring American Barry Nelson as "Jimmy Bond", and again in 1967 as a madcap spoof/debacle that starred three actors as JB (David Niven, Peter Sellers, and Woody Allen), went through five directors, and is best remembered for its cloying Burt Bacharach score. Too bad the producers are such Octopussies and won't budge from the formula--Quentin Tarantino has offered to direct "Casino Royale" as long as he can set it in the 1960s and cast Daniel Day Lewis as the man with the license to kill.

Now Heeere's Johnny!: Carpenter Returns To Directing

Just a brief detour from my rigorous TIFF 2005 shenanigans (which included my purchasing an annoying new cell phone--I gotta stop hanging out in shops between screenings and spend more time in bars arguing Eisensteinian montage) here with great news for horror buffs and discriminating film tastes (yes, they can reside in the same body, let alone latitude and longitude): John Carpenter's self-imposed hiatus from directing has come to an end with the announcement that he would be helming a segment of Showtime's upcoming "Masters Of Horror" anthology series entitled "Cigarette Burns". But we heard about that sequel to "The Thing ", "The Stars My Destination", and "Pincushion", too, didn't we? Well, now there's proof. Click here for some snapshots from the set of what will hopefully atone for the misfire (albeit an enjoyable one) that was "Ghosts Of Mars". This should be one helluva series, with other segments helmed by the likes of Dario Argento, John Landis, Tobe Hooper, Lucky McKee, Joe Dante, and Don Coscarelli.

"Cigarette Burns" was written by "Ain't It Cool"s "Moriarity", aka Drew McQueeney, with Scott Swan and promises a "twisted investigative thriller in the vein of 'Chinatown'". Jimmy Sweetman, a tracker of obscure film prints, is hired to unearth the lost "Le Fin du Monde". Legend has it that its one and only audience was driven into a murderous rage.

Hmmm, a little bit of Carpenter's "In The Mouth Of Madness", a little bit of Ramsey Campbell's novel "Ancient Evenings". The series debuts on October 28th, and hopefully, someone in Canada is working on the broadcast details.

All That's Missing Is A Faith Hill Cover Of "Can You Read My Mind?"

Production on Bryan Singer's "Superman Returns" is reportedly on hiatus for a few weeks--so much for "faster than a speeding bullet"...just when is this thing going to be ready? Supes' long-overdue screen resurrection has dragged through so many multiple screenplays (Kevin Smith, J.J. Abrams) and bailing directors (Tim Burton, Brett Ratner) you'd swear it was a Terrance Malick opus. The good news is that production stills are starting to emerge in legitimate media sources--the even better news is that the images look damn promising. I don't know how they're going to spin this one as a bizarro combo remake/sequel to 1981's "Superman 2"--most of us will buy the new young buck Brandon what's-his-name subbing for the late, great Christopher Reeve, and even Kevin Spacey for Gene Hackman, but how did New York City circa-1978 become 2005 Sydney? Will The Daily Planet reporters still be using IBM Selectrics? If anyone can make us believe a man can fly--again--it'll be Singer, who gave us two "X-Men" films far better than we probably deserved...

TIFF'D In Toronto

Sorry I've been scarce lately, but with the end of summer comes the massive chore that is planning for the annual Toronto International Film Festival. Having been screwed by the ridiculous "lottery" process for the third year in a row, my significant other and I have been scrambling to salvage the remaining tickets from our coupon book without having to settle for the three-hour Tibetan yak herding docudrama. Operating solo, I'll be covering the 10 day cinematic bacchanalia for my old haunt, the U.K.-based website Movieforum, offering (hopefully) informed and entirely prejudiced opinions on somewhere in the neighborhood of two dozen films including David Cronenberg's "A History Of Violence", Terry Gilliam's "Tideland", Lars von Trier's "Manderlay", Steven Soderbergh's "Bubble", Neil Jordan's "Breakfast On Pluto", Eli Roth's "Hostel", Roman Polanski's "Oliver", Park Chan Wook's "Sympathy For Lady Vengeance", Shane Black's "Kiss Kiss, Bang Bang" and of course, Sturla Gunnerson's "Beowulf And Grendel". Check out my daily coverage here at the Movieforum blog site.

Trembling Before Greatness: Comics Legend Neal Adams

This year's Canadian National Comic Book Expo offered the usual embarrassment of riches for fans (insert obvious "geek" joke here) of every possible medium and splinter genre: sci-fi TV and film, fantasy role playing games, Japanese anime, cult horror, and of course, a certain four-colour medium still inching towards respectability. The top draw (rimshot) for your humble narrator was the rare chance to meet the great Neal Adams--probably the pop-culture figure with the most direct cause-and-effect influence on my career, since it was his work and only his work that I shamelessly copied as a youngster and through my student years held up as the penultimate standard of illustration excellence (I didn't say I was as good as Adams, but a mere mortal can have dreams...). The always- outspoken Adams was a young turk who not only revolutionized the look of Silver Age comics with his dynamic realism and experimental techniques, but he became a champion for artists' rights, crusading (and winning!) for increased rates, ownership of original art, reprint fees, medical coverage, and pensions. Thirty years after he stopped drawing "Batman" and left DC Comics to form Continuity Studios, his rendering of the character remains definitive. Click here to see the master in action as he creates the recently famous (even though he first drew him in "Batman" #232 back in 1971) R'as Al Gul step-by-step.

So To Paraphrase W.C., Mr. Parkes: "Never Work With Children, Animals, Or Scotsmen"?

Film snobs be damned, I really want to like Michael Bay. He's got a great eye and loves to entertain audiences--he's like H.B Halicki with an unlimited bank account. Too bad for every movie Bay's helmed that delivers on its premise (The Rock, Armageddon), he's hatched an excruciating turkey (Pearl Harbor, Bad Boys 2). But he redeemed himself with this summer's spirited clones-on-the-roam bomb "The Island", for which I seem to be a fan club of one.

The film's own weasely producers, Walter Parkes and his wife Laurie, won't be joining: incredibly, they're blaming the stars Scarlett Johansson and Ewan McGregor for its poor showing. The Parkes' have staged a nasty smear against the esteemed thesps with Johansson's talents taking the biggest beating. According to the Parkes': "Those are superstars of the future, not superstars of the present. Even lesser television actresses, quite honestly, would have more connection to that audience." Like who, exactly? Daphne Zuniga? Markie Post? (what exactly is meant by that audience?). Read their feeble tirade here. And expect their next film to headline Edie McClurg...

Let's Hope They Served Him Some "Hot Coffee", If You Get My Drift...

They've caused me a few near-aneurisms since I first stood before a Defender console in the K-Mart foyer back in the Reagan era--but videogames have yet to kill me. Rather, the moral guardians of my youth thought "Fangoria" and "D&D" would kill off my generation first. Unfortunately, some obsessive sap in Seoul, South Korea (one of the most wired countries in the world) died of heart failure immediately after finishing his mammoth online gaming session in an Internet cafe--50 hours!

28-year-old "Lee" began his online battle game at a Taegu cybercafe on Aug. 3 and only left his spot over the next three days to go to the toilet and take brief naps. Lee had recently quit his job to spend more time gaming and after he failed to return home (to his mother, big surprise), former colleagues tracked him to the cafe. Lee promised he would finish the game and then go home. He died only minutes later. "We presume the cause of death was heart failure stemming from exhaustion," a police official theorized.

I must say, I've been scared straight by this story. Having just finished "Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas" this past week (I began it last December, so I'm well past Lee's fatal 50th hour), I'll be sure to pause for macrobiotic snacks, yogic meditation, and home-decorating shows (to slow my racing heartbeat) before committing myself to my next challenge: "God Of War".

"Beat The Geats" At TIFF 2005

Sturla Gunnarsson's film version of "Beowulf" will make its world premiere at the upcoming Toronto International Film Festival, celebrating its 30th year. Adapted by Andrew Rai Berzins from the Old English poem (dated approx. 1100 A.D.--so expect some changes purists!) and focusing on the first half of the epic tale (the dragon will appear in the sequel), "Beowulf And Grendel" (full title) stars Gerard Butler, Sarah Polley, and Stellan Skarsgård, and was shot last autumn on authentic Icelandic locations and offers a grittier, meditative approach to what could have been an orgy of CGI (that'll likely come with the rival Zemeckis production, adapted by Neil Gaiman, due next year). Now, if that sounds a bit too arty (read: "boring"), know that several major action sequences were storyboarded by yours truly and there'll be no shortage of monsters and mayhem to go with this unique take. Check out the official site. An expanded gallery of my storyboards will be posted here shortly.

Happy Birthday, Molly

Molly, our beautiful and utterly unique tortoiseshell cat, would have turned 11 today, had she not been stricken with a rare feline cancer that had her leave us on May 14, 2005. It's only been a few months and there still isn't a day when I don't ache for her adorable gurgle (she never really had a "meow"), hilarious antics (she always knew precisely how to cheer me up when I was down or too self-absorbed), and comforting paw. In her honour, I'm going to spring for that "cat hammock" that I'd often thought of buying but repeatedly put off, figuring I always had time...Minnie will enjoy it and I'm sure will miss sharing it with her big sister. BTW, this weekend, The Toronto Humane Society is waiving their standard $25 adoption fee, due to a surplus of more than 500 stray cats. So, GTA readers, here's the perfect time to save a new Molly's life and enhance your own in a big way (just don't forget to spay...).

Any Chance Of Eddie Izzard With Kung-Fu Grip?

Nearly blew a gasket when I read that toy company New Adventures® will soon be releasing 12-inch, talking soft-bodied dolls of "Blue Collar TV" staples Larry The Cable Guy™, Bill Engvall™ , Ron White™ , and, of course, the inexplicably enduring Jeff Foxworthy™ . Press the left hand and each figure offers twelve unique phrases taken directly from their comedy routines (incredibly, 6 inch versions will also be available, with a mathematically-appropriate six phrases in their repertoire).

25 years since "A Clockwork Orange" was released and the toy industry has yet to offer a collectible "Alex The Droog". And Wave 2 of the "Sin City" figures will not include Carla Gugino--but I can easily acquire a Jeff-freakin'-Foxworthy to join Jake & Elwood, Chow Yun Fat, and Alex Ross' "Captain Marvel" on my office bookshelf? I saw a Donny Most action figure at the Snail today--just who's doing the market research on this stuff, and are they drunk on corn liquor? If they're gonna put out comedians, then why not Bill Murray as Nick The Lounge Singer, Steve Martin with bunny ears and his banjo, and Dennis Miller before he went all right-wing on us? Wouldn't a plushy Gilbert Gottfried doing "Ralph Kramden" in "Casablanca" be the ultimate office cubicle annoyance?

FYI--Jeff and co. require 3 triple-A batteries--and if you can't figure out which way they go in,you might be a...sensible person with a better grasp of financial restraint than I...

"V" For Vindictive?

"Watchmen" creator Alan Moore has to be the crankiest man in comics. Crankier than Harlan Ellison, who once wrote an article entitled "Why I Fantasize About Using An AK-47 On Teenagers"--back in the early 70s! That's cranky. Moore's been quite vocal in his disdain ("imbecilic") for the upcoming film adaptation of his 80s anti-Thatcher, pro-terrorist dystopian allegory "V For Vendetta" (co-created with artist David Lloyd). Granted, "The League Of Extraordinary Gentlemen" movie was sub-Golan/Globus hackwork, and the stylish "From Hell" was ruined by a ridiculous happy ending (Mary Kelly survives?!) but "Constantine", IMHO, made for an enjoyable LA noir and retained some of the integrity of its source material, even though the purist in me is still twitching over the casting of Keanu instead of a proper Brit. Moore, who has severed all ties with DC/Vertigo, is peeved at Joel Silver's public claim that he has given "V4V" his blessing, and has asked for a printed retraction/apology, which has yet to materialize. His anger here, is perfectly understandable. But if Moore really feels the state of current cinema is worthy of his "dwindling respect", why does he repeatedly sell the option rights, especially since bad comic book adaptations go back to Lewis Wilson changing into his batsuit in the back of a saloon car? Much of Moore's own esteemed body of work consists of considerable liberties taken with the creations of others (H. Rider Haggard likely didn't envision Alan Quartermain as a junkie, and let's not forget "The Killing Joke", in which the Joker rapes and cripples Barbara Gordon, which I'm sure didn't go down too well with Bob Kane) , so to cry foul when other writers play fast and loose with his work displays a double-standard either naive or arrogant. J. Michael Straczynski has read the shooting script and has hailed it as "a work of freaking genius", and the trailer looks good. Check out bald Natalie and Hugo behind a Guy Fawkes mask here.

"I Am Gargamel's Sense Of Self-Loathing"

So "Fantastic Four" stirs up a slumping box office and the suits learn all the wrong lessons: "Dark Horizons" (way cooler than "Ain't It Cool News", IMHO) reports that the geniuses at Paramount are teaming up with Nickelodeon to develop a CGI feature adaptation of "The Smurfs". Even worse--in 3-D! Can you take any more? Know then, that it's the first part of a planned TRILOGY! (if it's any consolation, the animated series ran 256 episodes) They'd better get moving, as the 50th anniversary of artist Peyo's original Belgian comic strip is only three years away. Ensuring mediocre results is the addition of a Ratner to pen the screenplay, but this is "Herb", not that other guy, so perhaps there's a chance this'll play painlessly (I was a paying customer for "The Garbage Pail Kids" movie, with Anthony Newley, so it's all perspective). The storyline, btw, is being kept "under wraps". So expect a major Palahniuk-style plot twist...

Go ahead, try out the Smurf Name Generator...

"Hazy Conditions, Chance Of Missing Ear"

Who knew that filmmaker, painter, composer, actor, cartoonist, furniture designer, transcendentalist, and former Eagle Scout David Lynch aspired to be the George Plimpton of wacked-out auteurs? Now L.A. residents, the hopelessly devoted, and the merely curious can check out his nicotine-fueled daily weather reports (So-Cal only, sorry) here on his official site. Thankfully, the feeds are free, which is more than can be said of most of the features on his rather pricey internet hub. Hopefully, Lynch's sudden fascination with all things meteorological won't hamper the completion of that long-promised "director's cut" of "Dune" on DVD, or his next feature, "Inland Empire", which he has reportedly shot on digital video in Poland with Jeremy Irons, Laura Dern, Harry Dean Stanton, and Justin Theroux.

You'd Snap, Too, If You Had To Pronounce "Mxyzptlk"

If there was ever proof as to the damage caused to the comics medium by the ridiculous crusade of Dr. Fredric Wertham, it's here at Superdickery.com, which chronicles the hilarious, and downright depressing, detour into mediocrity Siegel and Shuster's classic Übermensch was forced into until his eventual restoration to glory courtesy of John Byrne and Alan Moore (not to mention filmmaker Richard Donner). Suddenly, Krypto and Streaky (the supercat) look like the stuff of David Mamet compared to Kal-El's encounter with...Pat Boone!? To tide you over until the release of Bryan Singer's promising remake/sequel, check out Jeph Loeb and Tim Sale's rousingly romantic epic "Superman For All Seasons", blare those songs from Crash Test Dummies, Five For Fighting, and Our Lady Peace, raid the DVD dollar bins for Fleischer Bros. compilations--anything to erase these images from your cranium...

"You're Outta Orbit! You're Outta Orbit! The Whole Trial's Outta Orbit!"

It's John Grisham meets Irwin Allen! The mission that sent the Deep Impact space probe smashing into the comet Tempel 1 kicked up more than cosmic debris--it also brought a lawsuit from a Russian astrologer. The newspaper Izvestia reported today that 45-year old clairvoyant Marina Bai is suing the U.S. space agency, claiming their successful mission "ruins the natural balance of forces in the universe " (NASA scientists hoped the mission would help in the understanding of how the solar system was formed--whoopsie!). Bai is seeking damages totalling 8.7B rubles (about $311M U.S.--the cost of the mission) for her "moral sufferings" and "deformed horoscope". She explained: "somewhere deep inside a voice told me the whole mission had to be stopped. I fear that it could have an impact on all humanity." NASA representatives in Russia could not be reached for comment--big surprise--but U.S. scientists have assured that the crash did not significantly alter the comet's orbit around the sun and poses no danger to Earth. Unconvinced, a Moscow court has postponed hearings on the case until late July...affording little time to train a team of gruff-but-loveable Black Sea oil workers to fly into space to undo the damage...

Beats Costner's "Waterworld" Solution...

Now you can convert your rumpus room into your very own Tatooine moisture farm--just like Uncle Owen (who looks like he'd had a lot of moisture sucked out of him between episodes 3 and 4...)! The Mr. Peabodys at Air2Water products have perfected an atmospheric water generator that extracts drinkable water from the air. The device pulls air through an electrostatic filter removing 93% of all air borne particles. The water harvested then drops into a tray and is passed throught UV light for 30 minutes, killing 99.9% of all germs and bacteria. The water is then pumped through a sediment screen and back through two solid carbon block 1 micron water filters, removing 99.9% of any volatile organic chemicals that may be left in the water. The water can then be safely dispensed to its thirsty (not to mention patient) consumers. Behold the miracle here. The obvious question is: does it speak "bocce"?