Razing The "Razzies"

Categorically, I'm not against "The Razzies"...lord knows I love movies--and if you love the movies, to paraphrase that overvalued old crone Pauline Kael--you gotta love even the bad ones. Seriously, wouldn't you rather watch "Viva Knievel" again over "Remains Of The Day"...well, any day? But there's been an increasing laziness to John Wilson's annual piss-take on Tinseltown wrong-headedness--and now, in year 26, it's like Rex Reed and Mr. Blackwell have finally taken over. Tom Cruise as "worst actor" for "War Of The Worlds"? Okay, so we can all agree he made an ass out of himself in front of Oprah and Matt Lauer--and "Days Of Thunder" was two hours of my life I'll never get back--but give me a break. As for the inclusion of Jennifer Lopez ("Monster In Law"), tsk tsk, "Bennifer"/"Gigli" is sooooo 2003...

Wilson was a phone guest on CFRB's The Jim Richards Show last night, bemoaning the current cinematic landscape as the most lacklustre in (his) memory. Now to my recollection, it's been "a bad year for movies" steadily I was waiting for my eye exam in the lobby of Bromley's Opticians in downtown Pembroke and thumbing through the only reading material that wasn't aimed at toddlers--namely, a well-worn "Time" magazine year end review. Somewhere beneath the still of John Belushi as "Wild Bill Kelso" in Steven Spielberg's "1941", it was declared that 1979 was a terrible year for films. According to the cognoscenti, it's been a downward spiral ever since.

Conceptually, I agree with Wilson's essential philosophy, that movies with big stars and often bigger budgets should be held to a higher standard of quality, given that they've got more to work with to ensure a superior result. But to the Razzies, much like most mainstream film criticism, any expensive, star-driven vehicle without a lofty literary pedigree must be instantly dismissed as crap--the old "mainstream bad"/"indie good" nonsense that I thought most people outgrew in college.

So what, according to The Golden Raspberry Foundation, are 2005's worst offenders? Among them: "Deuce Bigelow", "The Dukes Of Hazzard", "Son Of The Mask", "House Of Wax", and some comedy with Jenny McCarthy that played about a dozen theatres. Oh, and that "Bewitched" riff nobody saw. Seriously, that's largely it. According to Wilson, this mere handful of throwaway efforts represents the state of filmmaking circa 2005, the same year that saw the release of the daring and innovative fare like "Good Night And Good Luck", "Old Boy", "Layer Cake", "Capote", "Munich", "A History Of Violence", "Syriana", and with many so-called "commercial" efforts like "Batman Returns", "King Kong", "Land Of The Dead", "Sin City", and "Charlie And The Chocolate Factory" showcasing directors in top form.

1939 is considered by many film mavens to be the "greatest" year in film ever, with the evidence being "It's A Wonderful Life", "The Wizard Of Oz", "Gone With The Wind", and "Ninotchka". But that same year also gave us an endless series of sequels--followups to Andy Hardy, Blondie, Bulldog Drummond, Charlie Chan, Cisco Kid, Frankenstein, Maisie, Mr. Moto, Sherlock Holmes ,Tarzan, Thin Man, Topper--go ahead, look it up.

And of course, boomer film critics can't stop lamenting the end of the 1970s, which you probably don't recall as the decade in which every single weekend saw the release of films like "Mean Streets", "Nashville", and "Last Tango In Paris" until Lucas and Spielberg came along and ruined it for everyone. I watched a lot of movies as a kid in the 1970s, and remember stuff like "Pete's Dragon", "The Bad News Bears In Breaking Training", and "Race With The Devil" as being bigger hits than anything starring Bud Cort or shot by Haskell Wexler.

My point is, the movies are fine. Anyone who can look back on last year's crop of releases and honestly say there was little worth seeing needs to 1) get out more and 2) broaden their tastes. There's been much written about lacklustre box-office grosses and the movies themselves are being blamed. But even if you can convince me that 2005's films were mostly awful, then riddle me this: what the hell were people buying in those jam-packed HMV and Best Buy aisles this past Xmas (likely not Criterion's Jacques Tati remasters)? Or downloading 'round the clock (probably not Fassbinder's "Berlin Alexanderplatz").

I realize "The Razzies" are utterly disposable and meant to be harmless fun, but what's too bad is how much they share with the blithe, intolerant tone of today's so-called "serious" art/entertainment reportage. No doubt today's ultra bland Oscar nominations will appease those who feel that the cinematic art form will somehow not survive the works of Jamie Kennedy and Hilary Duff--personally, I'm hinging its destruction on the entirely-justified Razzie nominee Uwe Boll. With Ang Lee waiting in the wings to deliver the final blow...

Miike And The Meek

The rumours are unfortunately true--Showtime has decided not to air Takashi Miike's "Imprint" as part of its much-ballyhooed "Masters Of Horror" series, which was set to premiere next weekend. Reportedly, some Showtime execs were "disgusted" by the episode and decided to yank it. Uh, that's what you get when you agree to broadcast a show entitled "Masters Of Horror" geniuses...I thought I'd check out Showtime's official site to see what, if any, announcement had been made, but they've made it inaccessible to anyone outside of the U.S.! And these are the folks we're hoping to save "Arrested Development"?

Turns out the man who gave us such devastating works as "Audition" and "Ichi The Killer" is not terribly surprised: "To tell you the truth, I was not surprised to hear that 'Imprint' would not air" Miike told Fangoria.com. Through the experience of directing this episode, I have discovered that while humor can have its limits, fear has no limits. I could not suppress the volume of terror that this film conveys.”

"Imprint", Miike's English-language debut, tells the story of an American (Cannon Films' veteran Billy Drago) who returns to Japan to reunite with his lost love, a prostitute he left behind. But when he reaches his final destination, he is told a graphic tale of his lover’s fate, which is said to involve an intense torture sequence involving a dwarf, a bound prostitute, and a handful of burning incense. It's based on the novel "Bokke Kyoutee" by Shimako Iwai, which means "Really Scary", btw...

Thankfully, Showtime doesn't own any of the episodes, only the American broadcast rights for season one. Series producer Anchor Bay Entertainment has already announced plans to release "Imprint" on DVD this fall--you can read their official statement here.

In Canada, "Masters Of Horror" is aired on Scream TV--so I'm hoping someone at the channel is busy making an arrangement with Anchor Bay to award this much-anticipated entry a proper unveiling on what is still North America's first, and best, horror-themed network...

I'd Trade 'Em All For Two Tickets To "Otisburg"...

Today, my first indulgence into the pricey realm of CGC Graded comic books finally arrived from the good folks at Wizard Universe: "All Star Superman" #1, written by Grant Morrison and illustrated by Frank Quitely, featuring the rare cover variant by the legendary Neal Adams. One question: if this is a new book, fresh off the line, when why the hell isn't it a "10" instead of "9.8"? This is my second pricey Krypton-themed purchase in under six months--last October, I broke down and splurged for that vintage Jor-El card from the 1978 movie autographed by the late Marlon Brando. Fear not, citizens--I'll never name a kid "Kal-El", if that's what you're thinking.

So what's "CGC", you ask? It stands for "Comics Guaranty, LLC", the most recent addition to The Certified Collectibles Group, which also consists of Numismatic Guaranty Corporation of America--the leading grading service in rare coins, and Sportscard Guaranty, LLC--a grading service for sportscards. Each comic gets graded by "experts" according to CGC standards in what has been described, cryptically, in official literature as a "confidential process".

CGC seals each title in a clear and tamper-proof holder, with front and top labels displaying info about the book and its grade. The package can be opened, but the certification will immediately be invalidated, so obviously it's a good idea to pick up a copy of the regular newstand edition should you desire to actually read the damn thing...

In the interest of preservation, I've bound up the book in bubble wrap and have placed it in a box in my darkened closet, where the cover will be safe from sunlight, halogen bulbs, terrorists, and other urban perils. Which makes the purchase somewhat anticlimactic--all this money and anticipation for something I'll rarely look at again. I keep thinking what Charlie sez about "candy" in "Willy Wonka"--it doesn't have to have a point, that's why it's candy...or collecting...

A Has-Been, A Never-Been, And A Where-Ya-Been?...

Sometime between "Transformed Man" and "Has Been"--actually, the exact date was January 21, 1978--actor/author/Loblaws spokesman/all-around-Renaissance man William Shatner concocted his own "unplugged and seated" interpretation of a rock classic. Now, many will (rightly) jeer his characteristically histrionic, nicotine-fueled reading of Elton John's "Rocket Man" (or "Rock-It, Man" if you prefer Shatner's inflections) from the 1978 Science Fiction Film Awards ceremony, but one of them won't be the song's lyricist Bernie Taupin, who showed up at the event to introduce the number and offer it some much-needed legitimacy. Think two Kirks were scary in "The Enemy Within"? Well, this one offers three of them and you can watch them here. Was that Larry Niven I saw doing a spit take?

If you think you can handle more sensory abuse, check out David Hasselhoff's take on another 70s nugget--"Hooked On A Feeling"--which, amazingly, manages to make Shatner's number look every bit like the Sinatra/Riddle homage it was likely intended to be. Alas, B.J. Thomas' endorsement is nowhere to be found...

Sadly, I've been unable to locate a link to what I feel is the worst music video of all time: Philip Michael Thomas' astonishing ode to hubris: "Just The Way I Planned It". Instead, I can only offer Don Johnson's overproduced and woefully dull "Heart Beat". At least there's a Paul Schaffer cameo and Dweezil Zappa on the axe...

So You Aren't Reading "Daredevil" Because...?

It's hard to believe anyone could eclipse the Frank Miller/Klaus Janson run on "Daredevil"--whom I regard as nothing less than Marvel's finest superhero creation--in the 1980s, but the team of writer Brian Michael Bendis and artist Alex Maleev have, for me, created the definitive take on Marvel Knights' long-running blind vigilante, who save for a much-jeered (but really not that bad) Ben Affleck film, never burst out into the mainstream the way his web-headed and mutated bretheren did. So I was thrilled to discover this very nice appreciative piece on on Salon, just as the duo is set to conclude "The Murdock Papers" arc and leave the title within a few months (they've been at it since 2001) for "Spider-Woman", of all things. Bendis was never interested in the expected superhero shenanigans--which Kevin Smith and Joe Quesada were never able to expand upon in their much ballyhooed, but ultimately disappointing takes--instead, he explored Murdock's condition as a messy, tragic psycho-noir far closer to the tone of "Taxi Driver" than anything that had been attempted in the series before. And Maleev's grimy, distressed art resembled frame grabs from the greatest Park Chan Wook film never made. Next month, Ed Brubaker and Michael Lark begin their run on the series and have some mighty shoes to fill (hey guys, as a long-time reader, I implore you: don't skimp on the ninjas...!).

"Naturally You Didn't Know I Was Wearing My Special Super-B Long Thermal Underwear..."

It was forty years ago today that Adam West first squeezed into his famous grey bodystocking for the first of 120 episodes over a three year run--indeed Boy (and Girl) Wonders, "Hi Diddle Riddle", featuring Frank Gorshin as The Riddler, was broadcast to an unsuspecting nation at 7:30 PM on the 12th of January, 1966. We've all seen it in reruns: at The Gotham City World's Fair, the Prime Minister of Moldavia slices into the Moldavian Friendship cake and unknowingly triggers a bomb hidden inside, releasing the late, great Frank Gorshin as The Riddler. Lorenzo Semple Jr.'s delirious script set the tone for the twice-weekly campy fun to come: in a single half-hour, fans were introduced to The Batscope, The Batostat Antifire Activator, and of course, The Dynamic Duo's impromptu "Batusi" dance at the Way To Go-Go disco. The milk-drinking Caped Crusader even gets drunk on drugged orange juice!

It's a shame that with Batmania on the rise again thanks to Christopher Nolan's very fine "Batman Begins" and boxed sets of the original Burton/Schumacher films and the animated series proving to be bestsellers, that Warner (who own the characters, the comics, and the feature films) can't reach an agreement with 20th Century Fox (who owns the 60s TV series) to release the show in its much-deserved and long-overdue DVD glory...

Great! Anchor Bay Finds Another Excuse To Reissue "Army Of Darkness"...

So here we go again...

Just as my DVD library has easily surpassed 500 titles (although I'm sure my "significant other" would argue it's closer to 600, excluding the 40 or so laserdiscs I've held on to and a few dozen moldly VHS tapes that I just can't bear to part with), here comes the official announcement from the Consumer Electronics Show that our current collections are completely obsolete...more or less. Sony will launch its highfalutin' BluRay DVD format in North America this spring. Right about the same time Toshiba will launch its rival HD-DVD format. I won't bother with the technical specs on each--you can read all about them here and here. It's all just too depressing to contemplate, really...

BluRay seems the better choice, with its superior resolution and more storage space per platter. But it's apparently more expensive to make, requiring entirely new manufacturing facilities. Also, BluRay machines will only play BluRay discs--or so I have read. The first decks will cost approx. $1000 (U.S.) and up. But HD-DVD machines will play, and upconvert, regular DVDs, and the same plants that make the current DVD format can be retooled to make HD-DVDs. The players are cheaper, at approx. $500 (U.S.) and up.

Who will emerge the victor is anyone's guess: HD-DVD is supported by behemoth Microsoft and Hollywood heavy-hitters Paramount, HBO Video, New Line, and Warner. BluRay is supported by video game company Electronic Arts and studios Twentieth Century Fox, Vivendi Universal, and Disney. Sony's doomsday weapon is its upcoming Playstation 3, which will support BluRay, to no one's surprise. Readers of a certain age will find this reeks of the great VHS/Betamax War of the early 1980s--thankfully, my folks made the right choice at the time (I won't mention the RCA Selectavision Videodisc, which they've kept, for some reason...).

So, if you're like me, you'll take this weekend to start dumping video ballast--do I really need all three editions of "Manhunter", when each is now, essentially, worthless? I waited far too long to sell off my laserdiscs back in '99 and ended up tossing Criterions, teary-eyed, into the dumpster. Won't--don't--get fooled again....

Fake Newsman To Host Fake Spectacle...

It should come as no surprise to any visitor to this site that I'm as dedicated a film maven as has ever walked the earth--but my secret shame is that I hate-Hate-HATE the annual spring kangaroo court also known as "The Academy Awards". A celebration of all things safe and middlebrow ('cept for the years they did the right thing and honoured "Silence Of The Lambs" and "Unforgiven"), The Oscars make Oprah's Book Club look like The Hellfire Club. That being said, I never miss 'em, usually because some film pioneer I've long admired is inevitably is handed a token award when he/she is either 1) one foot in the grave (Ray Harryhausen), or 2) dead (Stanley Kubrick). That, and, I usually recognize the production illustrators from my faded back issues of Starlog...

At least the ceremony itself will be entertaining this year, as someone at the AMPAS has had the good sense to hire first-timer Jon Stewart to guide the festivities. I thought Chris Rock was pretty good last year--after multiple Whoopis who wouldn't be?--and I realize that my fantasy of having Letterman return is about as likely as that fourth Indiana Jones sequel.

Sez Stewart: "As a performer, I’m truly honored to be hosting the show...although, as an avid watcher of the Oscars, I can’t help but be a little disappointed with the choice. It appears to be another sad attempt to smoke out Billy Crystal."

I'm sure Tucker Carlson won't be watching, no matter how many nominations "Brokeback Mountain" gets!